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#theonion

36 posts26 participants3 posts today
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The Onion

White House Correspondents’ Dinner Scraps Host In Favor Of Terrified Silence

WASHINGTON—In the wake of comments the comedian made that reportedly angered the Trump administration, the White House Correspondents’ Association confirmed Monday that it had scrapped Amber Ruffin as the host of its annual dinner in favor of terrified silence. “After much deliberation, we have opted to part way…
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theonion.com/white-house-corre

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The Onion

Pentagon Cuts All Employees With Weak Jawlines

ARLINGTON, VA—Arguing that the move would allow the government agency to present a united front against threats to national security, the Pentagon announced Monday that it was cutting all employees with weak jawlines. “We’re committed to enforcing the highest standards within the Defense Department, which is why we’re now requiring everyone who works here to […]
The pos…
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theonion.com/pentagon-cuts-all

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The Onion

Pete Hegseth Calls For Steep Cuts To Number Of Steps In AA Recovery

WASHINGTON—Lambasting the current program as wasteful, bloated, and entirely unnecessary, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth called for steep cuts Monday to the number of steps in the Alcoholics Anonymous recovery model. “We must cut through the red tape bogging down what could be a far more efficient AA,” said Hegseth, who slammed …
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theonion.com/pete-hegseth-call

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bradorsomething

Floridians “Worried” As Trump Asks Supreme Court for a Preemptive Ruling Whether He Can Nuke the State

ttrpg.network/post/16848293

ttrpg.networkFloridians “Worried” As Trump Asks Supreme Court for a Preemptive Ruling Whether He Can Nuke the State - The TTRPG network(Key West, Florida) As the trump administration enters its fourth month of rule, some pundits question how much further “off the rails” the president can go. But those same pundits, as well as state residents, reacted with alarm as trump requested a ruling Saturday whether a sitting president could nuke a US state, namely Florida. “We all know I told them,” rambled the president at a rally,” I told them. I told them. The nuclear…. You can’t just let that pass. You can’t… the nuclear is a serious option, a very serious option, and really this is all a formality. One button, boom. Boom. One button. Those alligators will feel it, I’ll tell you this folks.” Trumps apparent desire to nuke his home state is drawing mixed reactions from republican leadership, many of whom see it as a strong message to america’s enemies. “It takes a strong man to fight, but only the strongest man can punch himself,” said Leon Sturbgetter, a cow de-tangler in rural Kansas. “You think China won’t be scared of us, if we’re so ready to drop a bomb we’ll drop it on our wang?” “He probably means how Florida looks phallic on a map,” said an analyst at the Institute for War Studies who asked to remain anonymous. “Oh, what precedent for dropping a nuke on our own country? I don’t know… maybe like a symbolic suicide? Look I’m an analyst for global studies, I can make as little out of this as I can a homeless man wandering down a median. I mean, at least the guy on the median I can give $5 and hope it might make things better.” All eyes now turn to the Supreme Court, who will return from an all-expense-paid vacation in Tahiti next week.
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The Onion

New Law Requires Texans To Show ID To Buy Phallic Foods

AUSTIN, TX—In an effort to crack down on the statewide proliferation of adult foodstuffs, the Texas Legislature passed a new law Friday requiring all residents to show identification to buy phallic foods. “From bananas to cucumbers to submarine sandwiches, obscene foods will no longer be allowed to fall into the hands of minors in the […]
The post New …
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theonion.com/new-law-requires-

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